Twisted Secret Santa

Posted: December 25, 2011 by sirdiggy in Humor, job, life, office humor, workplace, WTF
Tags: , , , , ,

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

I should have probably posted this earlier in the month when people were doing their Secret Santa thing at work.  But allow me to use this instance to spin a nice little Yuletide tale of humor and mischief.  Hope you enjoy…


Christmas season of 2007: My first go round in participating at my job’s Secret Santa.  I’m sure you know how it works: everyone picks names out of hat or jar, and that person is the one you buy your gift for.  Then at the holiday party (or whatever festive seasonal event your job might have) everyone gets their gifts from under a tree and once the gifts are opened, the Secret Santa is revealed.  Fun times, nice holiday morale booster.

So I picked my secret recipient out of a hat and began to wonder what the hell I was going to get this woman for under 10 bucks – I hate when shopping for someone is total guesswork, though I suppose you could snoop for clues from the coworkers that know your recipient the best.  But a way more fun option presented itself a couple of days later…

The facilitator of this event was a weekend supervisor named, uh, let’s call her “Jaz”.  So “Jaz” came up to me one weekday evening on the lo-lo and asked me if I wanted to switch my Secret Santa recipient to a girl named… mmmm let’s call her “X”.  “X” was the account manager at the time, and let’s just say “X” and I had a bit of a rivalry going on. 

A quick back-story:  “X” was once an admin assistant to a previous account manager, who not so subtly suggested that there could be potential for dating interest between myself and “X”.  I admit that physically she was my type – cute, thick, pretty well-developed.  But she kinda had a “funny style” to her – we would go back and forth with lil jokes n such until she herself eventually took over account manager duties.   Her “funny style” started to further manifest itself as she used her position to get back at me by “chastising” me for whatever mistakes I made.  Needless to say, she probably would not have wanted me as her Secret Santa.

At first, I balked at the tempting offer that was made.  I had already picked my recipient before “X” decided to even participate; thus it wouldn’t take her long to realize that the whole thing was rigged.  I tried to play the good guy/upstanding citizen role at first, but after some prompting by my coworkers, I said, “fuck, it… you only live once”.  I took “Jaz’s” offer, switched my recipient to “X”, and thus the plotting began.

The people I was real cool with on the job (and the same ones that helped convince me to take on this task) were well aware that my “gift” was likely going to be something that feigned romantic interest.  This was somewhat heighten by the fact that some thought I really liked this chick – but as I confided into the assistant HR man who we’ll call “Buffalose” (who was hosting the Secret Santa party at his crib and totally looking forward to what I was gonna pull out my ass), I thought she was cute, but her stuffy attitude was a turnoff.  But why let the truth get in the way of a good running joke? 

Back to the gift plan: In putting together an apropos gift idea, I knew three things about “X”: 1. She was single; 2. Not only was she single, but she had been so for a minute; 3: She enjoyed Taco Bell.  So with my $10 budget, I set out to make magic.

Secret Santa party time!  Myself, my boy “MB” (who was the current evening shift supervisor), and others gather at “Buffalose’s” crib to exchange presents and reveal Secret Santas.  For those who knew who my target-errrr I mean recipient was, the anticipation was rising.  After a couple of drinks and some grubbing (sidebar: Buffalose’s then-roommate and coworker, whom we’ll call “Heath”, had an aunt who made a GREAT buffalo chicken dip), it was go time!  I had “Heath” (also anxiously waiting) deliver the present to “X” while I was in another room.  He did so, and she opened it to receive…

…drum-roll, please…

…a Harlequin Christmas romance book entitled “Baby It’s Cold Outside” along with a five-dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell!  It only took her a moment or two to realize that I was her Secret Santa.  “Heath” would tell me later he applauded me on the inside with a “well done, sir”.  “Buffalose” and the rest of the gang found it quite hilarious.*”Jaz” was supposed to have attended, but she chickened out because she didn’t want to risk facing the wrath of “X” as the person who allowed this to happen.  Didn’t matter though, because within a few days, “X” realized that the only way I could’ve been her Santa is if my original recipient was switched.  “Jaz” tried to duck “X’s” ire by dumping the whole order of shenanigans on my lap, despite it being her idea.  

P.S: “X” wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks after the party.  Go figure.

Hope you enjoyed my story.  Go easy on that eggnog tonight at dinner.

  1. Hey there, Thanks a lot for this great blog post! I will bookmark Twisted Secret Santa stoptryingtoplayme. Thanks.

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