Tales of an “Internet Pimp”: The Date FAIL

Posted: November 23, 2011 by sirdiggy in dating, Humor, life, Women, WTF
Tags: , , , , ,

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I know it’s en vogue this time of year to spin a tale about being thankful, family gatherings, food and pilgrims.  But I don’t have any such stories – maybe I can get Chuck Spears to spit a holiday-themed verse or two.  Instead, I’ll share another online/offline misadventure which doubled as the worst date ever.

June of 1997 – I had secured yet another date with this girl I met online whom lived in north Jersey.*  She described herself as 5′ 3″ and thick, dark complexion with DD-cups.  After chatting it up via IM, we took the convo to the phone lines.  Got to know one another, things got sexual, and eventually plans were made to meet when we both got home from our respective colleges.  It was a bit of a hike to take two commuter trains, a subway and a bus to get from Yonkers to East Orange, but I was young(er), so I was like “fuck it”.

If you read my earlier post about my beginnings of being an alleged “Internet Pimp”, or if you used to date people off the Net in the early days of the mid-to-late 1990’s, you would know that obtaining acute, physical details of the person you were going to meet was sketchy at best.  Remember this as we continue…

So I hop off the bus at the corner where she said she’d meet me.  I was fairly excited; for on the phone, I had made several sexual claims that I was only more than happy to have the chance to fulfill.  I had a couple of condoms in the wallet for just-in-case safekeeping.  It was a nice, warm day, the sun was shining, and a brotha was thinking he must just get lucky today.  Five minutes, this portly looking broad comes around the corner and starts waving at me happily.

…that’s her? Wait, it can’t be.  Maybe she’s waving at someone else.

…there’s no one else here but me. And there’s no other chick with her.

Oh, shit...

I’ll never forget the image: she had on a lime-green tube top with white shorts – lime green was the new fad fashion color at the time – though Redman said it best when he penned, “Everything lime green ain’t the bomb, bitch”.  She may have had some DDs, but they were resting on her gut, which was way bigger.  Her face was a full shade or two darker than the rest of her, and although they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I wasn’t seeing any beauty in front of me to behold.  At this point, as my heart sunk down to my balls and the Price of Right FAIL horns blaring in my head, I realized my mistake (no, it wasn’t pretending that I didn’t see her and walk to the next bus stop).

My mistake was that I did not insist on a more accurate description of what she looked like – shape, size, curves, fat, muscle, gut, and so on.  I should’ve insisted on seeing some pictures first, but even that would not have been fail-safe.  She gave me the fantasized version of her physical stats but left out important stuff like the fact the she easily outweighed me although I was around 200-something pounds.**  And don’t even get me started on the blatant misuse of the word “thick” – a description that while subjective, has it’s limits.   At any rate, I had already acknowledged her presence, so I had to go through with the date.  We decided to see Batman and Robin because I didn’t see Batman Forever (liked Michael Keaton, wasn’t feeling Val Kilmer as Batman) and Arnold Schwarzenegger was in it.  Figured to maybe salvage this situation with a decent movie…

Big mistake #2.  The movie was garbage; one big giant WTF.  I can give my rant on it, but Wikipedia does a good job of summarizing the movie’s overall shitty-ness.  The chick actually dared to bring up some of the sexual activities I’d said I was gonna do to her.  I don’t think I ever really answered her.  I barely gave her a hug (one of those “okyeahbyeI’mgettingthefuckouttahere” side-hugs) at the end when I left to catch the bus back to the NJ Transit rail station.

I don’t make it a point to discuss the intricate details of my dates to my mother (for obvious reasons), but I was so much in… hmm, let’s call it disbelief.  I ended up calling her on my way home – from a payphone – to tell her how bad the date was.  No, this bullshit could not have waited – I had to tell someone so I told my momma.  I think she had a good laugh – what else can you do?  Some days just ain’t yours.

____

*for the record, my batting average attempting to date women from NJ was something like .012345 – so bad that while in college, anytime I’d tell my friends I was interested, they’d ask where she was from.  If I said “New Jersey”, they’d roll their eyes, smirk and laugh while shaking their heads.

**in no way am I saying that just because a woman outweighs a man or is a certain weight she can’t be sexy.  It’s not necessarily about the weight anyways, but more about the shape.  I knew a girl who was 5′ 9″ 260 but a LOT of it was in her breasts and booty, and she was very attractive.  I love a well-developed shape on a woman, but the chick in this story was short and round.

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