The Trials of Online Dating

Posted: August 26, 2011 by sirdiggy in dating, Humor, Women
Tags: , , , ,

Since I’ve recently found myself back amongst the single life, I thought to take a poke around a few dating sites just to see what’s out there.  I know that from a mental and emotional standpoint I am not ready to date again, but still I wanted to humor my curiosity.  So the other night I’m perusing some profiles – and yes I do read profiles if the initial pictures catch my eye – and some of the descriptions were… well… um… let’s just say some women need to hide their issues a wee bit better.

Here are four actual descriptions and greeting I’ve ripped off profiles just from that night:

Female A:

A little about me…

“I am a hard working women I am a massage therapist I am respectfull person I am loyal I am determined I do have a few extra pounds tho but I just gatta get myself up to work out but um ather then that I am a nice person I hate bulshit I hate lies I love poetry I love to dance…”

Hmm… sentence structure much?  This sounds more like a stream of consciousness, which is a good exercise for creative writing, but not so much when your trying to describe yourself to someone.  And what’s with being apologetic about having a few extra pounds?  A lot of men like varying degrees of bigger women; she’d be better served by showing more confidence in her shape.  It’s like Jack Palance once said: “Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think?”  Let’s continue.

About the one I’m looking for…

Am looking for a long term relationship and a healthy one
I have been Hurt a lot so I know what a men is capable of doing and every relationship I was in they all cheated so am hopping to find a real man that could up with me and not just run away from me

Uh oh… FLAG ON THE PLAY!  It’s simple math: “I have been hurt a lot” + “I know what a man is capable of doing” + …you know what fuck it – that entire sentence just screams AVOID!  AVOID!  AVOID!  The math here should be “major self-confidence issues + repeatedly hurt by men = please get counseling before dating anyone else”.

Female B:

A little about me…

I have been going to school for the past 3 years and now that I have graduated I have discovered that most of my friends are too busy for me now.

I don’t know what to make of that sentence.  Is this an indictment of her or her friends?  Maybe her friends were having babies while she was studying for her degree and now they don’t have the time they once had.  Maybe her friends are secretly jealous of her finishing school so they make excuses not to hang around.  Maybe they think she now acts like she’s better than someone because she has a degree and they don’t.  Whatever the reason, would you feel comfy dating a chick who admits her friends ghosted on her?  Perhaps not a flag, but a raised eyebrow.

Female C:

A little about me…

Im looking for somebody I can call boo
Looking for the only one I can give my all to
Tell me if thats you

This sounds like lyrics from a mid-to-late-90’s R & B song.  And I have a pet peeve against women who use some form of the line “Is it you?” when being asked to describe what they’re looking for in a man.  Makes me feel like her search for a man is like a contest of some sort, that every man has a chance, when we all know that shit ain’t true not one bit.

About the one I’m looking for…

My Prince,My King A Superman…Save me if you can

FLAG ON THE PLAY!  I hate these corny-ass, fairy-tale lines.  May also suggest she’s likely looking for too much in one man.  And saying, “…save me if you can” is a call for all Captain Save-A-Ho’s the way Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to call for Batman.  And what the hell does she need to be saved from? A dragon? Poverty? Herself?  Miss me with this b.s. please.

Last one…

Female D:

About the one I’m looking for…

I want someone who is faithful and trust worthy. I am used to being single, so i pay my way for everything. it will take me awhile to adjust to someone doin nice things for me, so please be patient.

FLAG ON THE PLAY!  This chick sounds like she hasn’t been on a date in a long, LONG time.  Also is a possible Captain Save-A-Ho signal – to rescue this woman from her mundane, lonely life.  Her last sentence, to me, is just a flat-out cry for help, which is sad because she was actually kinda cute.

If you’re gonna go the online dating route, you need to say just enough to possibly pique a man’s interest while keeping it simple.  Oh, and have a few pics in your profile, including a full-body shot.  Give us ballpark view of how you look and what you’re into.  Keep it positive, and don’t go broadcasting your issues before a dude decides whether to hit you up or not.  Haven’t been on a date in five years? Let that shit come up in convo on a date.  Been cheated on repeatedly?  Means you might have trust issues – resolve that shit before getting back into the dating  scene so the next man won’t have to deal with that baggage.

And whatever you do, please, do NOT have a profile that reads like the following (and I dare you to try to read it all):

A little about me…

describe me,sure:i’ma red beRRy chocolate cheRRy honey brown cinnamOn sweet
maple syrup cOcO butter brown suGar master piece

ii’M VERY OUTGOiiNG DOWN2EARTH REAL FULLFiiGURED BLK AND CUBAN FEMALE.(MY MOTHER IS BLK-FATHER IS BLK AND CUBAN)ii LOVE SARCASM ii’TS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.ii’M CURRENTLY iiN SKOOL FiiNISHiiN MY STUDiiES WiiTH THE HOPE OF ONEDAY BEiiNG A DENTiiST.{ii’M ALMOST THERE}NOT STUCK ON MYSELF BUT ii DECLARE DAT ii’M THA FLiiEST CHiiCK ON DiiS SiiDE OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.ii STAND ABOUT 5FeeT 9iiNCHEST ii’M 26 YRS OF AGE ii HAVE NOT KiiDS. ii BELiiEVE SHOPPiiNG iiS BETTER DEN SEX THERES NOTHiiNG MORE SATiiSFYiiN TEW ME.LOL…U CAN NEVER TELL WHEN ii’M SERiiOUS.BUT ii DEW PUT MY PANTS’z ON ONE LEG AT A TiiME WHiiCH GOES TO SHOW ii’M HUMAN AND YEW FXCK’n LOVE Mii.
N.E WAYz ENOUGH ABOUT ME LETS TALK ABOUT YOU

B!TCH PLEASE! TAKE THIS TEENY-TYPING BULLSHIT BACK TO MYSPACE WITH ALL THE OTHER TEENS AND YOUNG 20-SOMETHINGS.  This shit doesn’t belong on a website with grown-ass adults. Smh…
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