The Mr. And Miss (Insert Name-of-Workplace) Pageant

Posted: August 14, 2011 by sirdiggy in career news, Humor, job, office humor, Pop Culture, workplace
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BLOGGER’S NOTE: if you have not done so previously, please READ the OFFICE GAG RULES before going any further.

I am aware that many institutions have pageants as a way to display their constituents’  pride, beauty and intelligence.  In other words, pageants are for people to put their best foot forward to represent themselves and the respective school/company/community/state/country/etc.  The spirit of the type of pageant I’m about to describe, however, is the opposite because the gag is to be voted to represent the embodiment of someplace you rather would not.  And remember that the gag only works if you work somewhere which many of your coworkers share disdain for whom you work for, because it’s always funny to be in the running for an award you don’t want to win.

A few years ago I worked at a call center in which paid OK for where I was living.  Most people worked there for that reason, and that if you were good at the job then you could more-or-less keep it for as long as you’d like.  But there were two main problems with the place: 1. Every day was the same; 2. There really was no room for upward mobility because the administrative staff was small and they were fairly secure in their positions.  The admins reported directly to the owners whom were there everyday, hands-on, to serve as executives… which leads to; 3.  The owners were pretty antisocial and did not give a shit about their employees.  In fact, one of them once commented that he felt that,  “monkeys could do the job”.  Of course, if ownership doesn’t give a shit about you, there will be a trickle-down effect throughout the whole place.  Even the admins admitted they all hated the place, but most of them were fairly secure in their positions and pay.

Given that ownershit…errr I mean ownership wasn’t going to raise a finger to inspire employee morale, I took it upon myself to come up with this particular “pageant”; a contest with American Idol-style voting to determine the winner.  I say “pageant” because no one is performing anything or dressing up, and the voting is actually done with paper and pen, not cellphone texting.  In between calls, I drafted rules for each step of the contest:

Round One
  1. Explain contest concept only to those you are close with on the job and that you can trust.  You’ll need two to three people during your shift to help you run this thing plus a trusted coworker or two to facilitate voting during the times you’re not working (let’s call this group your “brain-trust”.
  2. Have employees anonymously nominate those who they feel emanate the spirit and drive of such loathed workplace.  Each employee nominates three men and three women, and writes the names down on a piece of paper.  Be sure to explain the concept of the contest via the first paragraph so the voter understands the irony and humor in it.
  3. Give enough time so that employees in all shifts (including weekends) are given a chance to enter their nominations.  I believe a week is enough time to give folks a chance to vote.
  4. After each person writes their nominations, collect the votes and place them in some sort of folder to store away discreetly from a general populated area.  Only your brain-trust should know where this folder is so they can collect votes for you when you’re not there.
  5. I suggest keeping a tally during the initial first week of how many people voted to guard against anyone trying to “stuff the ballot”.  But if you’re conducting the balloting yourself during your shift and your “brain-trust” are doing the job honestly while you’re gone, this shouldn’t be a problem.
  6. At the end of the week’s time, close the voting and do your tallies.  First make two lists, one to list the nominated male employees and another for the female employees.  Tally how many times each selected person was nominated – the top 10 from each list will move on to Round Two.

Round Two instructions coming soon…
  1. […] The Mr. And Miss (Insert Name-of-Workplace) Pageant […]

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