The Best “Porn Names” in Hollywood

Posted: July 27, 2011 by chuckspears in Uncategorized

Oh no, I’m up after midnight. That can’t be good. See my mind gets to  wandering in the worst places. But maybe some people like these places. The sketchy neighborhoods of my depraved mind. Here’s a side street I took trying to get myself to sleep.

Some actors have names that would be really, really good if they were working in porn.Not the first name is the name of your pet, last name is the street you grew up on kind of porn name, (Mine would be Ginger Roosevelt, thanks for asking.) but the immature not so subtle innuendo kind of name, like Rod Hardon.

Let’s start with an obvious one.

Justin Long

J. Schlong

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We know him as the Mac guy, or the kid in Die Hard 4 (among other things). This is a really good porn name for a guy. Long implies length and stamina and Justin is generally a sneaky fun name. Is it  okay if it’s just in your mouth. Just the tip.  It could only be improved if he changed it to Justin Schlong. Very similar actual porn name, Byron Long.

 

C.C.H. Pounder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s known for her work on the Shield, and voice acting Amanda Waller in the DC Animated Universe and James Cameron’s Avatar. Acronym names just leave so much to the imagination. What horrible things could CCH stand for, you know, for people with really dirty minds. Pounder of course brings to mind a vigorous thrusting action. Like pounding it out. Very similar actual porn name, Brian Pumper.

Jason Biggs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The kid from American Pie, the one who had “sex” with said pie. This one might be a stretch, but the Biggs to me is about having a big, well a big one. Simple enough. It’s a pretty standard type of porn name for a guy. Jason, doesn’t really add anything to the mix though. Very similar actual porn name, Johnny Depth.

Megan Fox

Foxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The person with breasts that was recently expunged from the Transformers films. Add an extra “x” or two to the Fox and it’s perfect for porn. Reminiscent of Samantha Foxx and Ice La Foxx. Also, Foxx isn’t far off from Fucks to my ears so, you know it’s ideal. Also Megan just sounds like a name most really slutty rich girls have. And no, Vivica A. Fox doesn’t work, because Vivica just isn’t a sexy name.

Hugh Jackman

Poor Guy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Known for his portrayal of Wolverine. Hugh is not for off from Huge. But Sadly the Jackman part makes it sound like he wouldn’t be banging chicks in his porn career. Poor, poor Hugh. Your name would only be worse if it were Gaylord Buttkiss.

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