The Beef-Mix Smackdown

Posted: July 22, 2011 by sirdiggy in Uncategorized

Ever watched a battle-royal match?  The most famous battle-royal match is a yearly pay-per-view event hosted by World Wrestling Entertainment called the Royal Rumble.  Not a wrestling fan?  Then read a description of a battle-royal match here to save you and me some time.  If you workplace houses at least 20 people or more, then you can carry out a fictional battle-royal match to determine ultimate bragging rights amongst your co-workers.

Why Would Someone Do This: It’s elementary when you think about it.  Don’t you have friends at your job?  Aren’t there newbies that work with you, some of whom probably have gotten on your nerves with their slow learning curve (i.e. fucking up routine duties on Day 20 that they should’ve gotten down-pat by Day Five, or asking the same questions on Day 15 that they were asking on Day Two)?  Aren’t there people there you might have beef with (including managers)?  Aren’t there people there whom you have no legitimate reason to dislike but you don’t associate with because they’re on some “other” shit?  Aren’t there people there that flat-out annoy you?*  Here’s your chance to team up with some of your co-workers and scheme to dole out fictitious ass-whoopings!

*WRITERS NOTE: there’s a difference between not liking someone because they’re annoying and not liking someone because you have a legitimate problem with them.  People whom are naturally annoying probably aren’t aware of it and can’t help it because it’s part of their personality – that’s just part of who they are.  Having a problem with someone mostly means you’ve had a verbal (maybe physical?) altercation with that person that hasn’t been patched up, or a person has done or tried to do something detrimental to you to affect your job or your paper.  Back to the story…

On to the How To:

STEP ONE – refer to this page for general rules regarding the creation of such workplace “events”

STEP TWO – pool your fellow and not-so-fellow employees for potential “participants”.  Remember that it is not necessary for all “participants” to know they’re in it.

STEP THREE – after you’ve identified all “participants”, group them into teams.  You can creating the grouping depending on unit departments,  job titles, seniority, shift types (1st/2nd shift, part-timers, weekend workers, etc) or whatever.  For example, at a past job where I ran this “event”, I divided the “participants” into the following groups:

ADMINS– There were six or seven administrators at my job, kind of like mid-level execs/managers except the place was so small that the owners were hands-on so there weren’t any mid-level execs.
OLD PROS– These were your senior, non-administrative workers who were just as knowledgeable as the shift supervisors.  A little long in the tooth compared to the next group…
YOUNG GUNS– These were also non-administrative workers whom had been with the company for six months to a couple of years or more, but were considerably younger than the Old Pros.  This group included the day and evening supervisors, because they were under ago 30.
NEWBIES– Employees that were recently employed within the past three months and whom have shown general suckitude in grasping the basic functions of their job.  This drew the ire of the Young Guns and especially the Old Pros, because they keep having to take time to correct the countless errors the Newbies make.
OVERNIGHT/WEEKEND WARRIORS– employees that only worked overnights (3rd shift) or weekends.  Would have had to been with the company for at least six months (or slightly shorter time if the employee moved up levels quickly, or is really cool).

STEP FOUR – Assign someone whom will be (mostly) neutral to act as a “simulator” to determine who gets eliminated first, second, etc.  Takes down the names (or initials) of all “participants” then give them to the Simulator-person to mix up in a hat or box or whatever, kind of like a raffle-drawing in reverse.  But don’t do it all at once!  Build up the intrigue and “drama” – I suggest eliminating five to 10 people at a time depending on the size of the “participant” pool.  Then when you get down to the last 10 names or so, have one final drawing session where each name gets pulled out one by one until two or three remain.  If you and your coworkers have a few bucks to spare, you can cop prizes (akin to what you’d spend on a Secret Santa gift) for the third place, runner-up and grand prize winners.  Have the winner feel special – cop a crown from Burger King or a party store with some Marti Gras beads and give it to ’em.

As a final note, don’t just call it a Beef-Mix Smackdown.  Title it with the name of your company or division.  For example, if you worked for a website called, you could call it the 1st Annual Beef-Mix Smackdown.  If your company’s name is KY Corp, but your division is named KY Leasing, then title it as the 1st Annual KY Leasing Beef-Mix Smackdown.  Gives it a bit of a ring, doesn’t it?

P.S. If you actually have to ask why this battle-royal idea will never work in real life, I supply the following reasons:

  1. This is fiction, dammit!
  2. Where the hell would you find a wrestling ring anyways?
  3. You would have to get the fight sanctioned by your state’s Athletic Commission, or else all your asses will be hauled off to jail.  Good luck with that.
  4. It’s most likely that none of you and your coworkers are physically fit to run around in a ring for any length of time… at all.
  5. It’s most likely that none of your and your coworkers possess the strength and athletic ability to body slam someone or throw them over the top rope, or any kind of rope for that matter.
  6. People would be seriously hurt, even killed.
  7. Your company’s HMO ain’t gonna cover any injuries sustained in such a fracas.
  8. Imagine twenty to forty people going on sick leave/disability… who the hell would be left to work???
And for your entrepreneurial types:

9.   You’re not gonna promote this to make any real money.  Who do you think you are, Don King? Vince McMahon?


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